Monday night before bed, I read Courage to Change, kiss Eleanor (my English Springer), said out loud the serenity prayer and turned off the lights. I could not help my overwhelming, joyful, optimistic feeling I will awake to snow!
At 6:15 am my alarm went off and the bedroom windows of my huge pre-war apartment were outlined with a glow of white. I just smiled as I peeled away the bathroom shade to see the city neighborhood draped in white snow like butter cream icing. I felt joy like an amazing orgasm! The energy and feeling of abundance radiated from head to toe. In fact, my son is home from college and he felt the same – we popped up, danced around, poured coffee and watched the snow fall. Eleanor, wagging her tail, looked through the floor-to-ceiling French doors eagerly waiting for her walk.
Since I was a child I loved snow. Honestly, what child does not love snow! Snow days are an open invitation to play. No school, comfort food, relaxing and all that accompanies the weather event day. In my journey in life as a seeker, I have been peeling away the armor to rediscover the true me. Peeling hard from age 40 to now age 50! I have always loved the snow with big crisp skies, wearing boots, hats and scarves. As an intermediate skier since age 15 – I honeymooned on a ski slope, celebrated birthdays and milestones on ski weekends, celebrated my divorce skiing and many skiing trips with friends. When it snows, I have the same feeling as I ski – I feel courageous and free!
So, why is this significant? I have not popped out of bed for months! I have great clients, life as an empty nester happily divorced mom is rocking and I will celebrate two years in my pre-war apartment on January 16th. So why are these feelings resurfacing on this first snowfall in Baltimore? On my long walk in the snowflakes with Eleanor, I started to ask myself a few questions. Why am I not living in an area of the country where mountains, cold and snow are nearly guaranteed? Why did I procrastinate to book the month in Colorado to work, live and ski? Why don’t I think I can do it for even a week? Am I not worthy? Time for me still not valued? Still peeling away my armor, you betcha. Having courage to feel and be me from the inside out, not the outside in.
Discovering what really makes me feel like me and true to myself allows me to have courage to dive deeper into how I feel in a single moment. Even when uncomfortable, I now can sit, simmer in it and access how I really feel. A few years ago I used to rush from one place to another, always having one foot in the door and one foot out. Fear of really feeling abundance, joy and unconditional love was buried inside of me. I have learned in my journey of self discovery, it takes insane courage to be your authentic self. To go against the grain of a lifetime of conditioning “what should be right?” To sit and feel scared and confused has to happen – I never let it happen before. It feels uncomfortable, scary and I am often unsure, but I can do it now. I have learned (with crazy hard practice and amazing guru’s and coaches) to give myself permission to ask myself, “Does this feel right?” The real courage lay in saying the answer out loud….the real answer, no right or wrong, it is a unique answer all to me – all mine.
Now, making that leap to do something about it, a decision. Believe it or not, this has been the big climb for me. No one would know it from the outside, but I too have to walk in courage every day of my life. So perhaps I love the snow even more because it provides me the abundance of the universe. That abundance fuels my courage and to feel the incredible possibilities that are with me today, tomorrow and the next day. I can visualize the Colorado mountainside; I can actually taste it as I walked in the snow today. Now can I make the leap to live it……. xo